Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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