I faked an abortion last night.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
