Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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