I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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