Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
