She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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