Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize