Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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