peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
