I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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