Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
