closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
