she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
