I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
