just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Even my vagina gasped.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
