people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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