Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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