I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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