we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
