I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
