i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
should my penis look like a turkey
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
