Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
