so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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