also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He passed out mid-signature
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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