I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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