Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
