i'm signing you up for texting rehab
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
