No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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