After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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