I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
