How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
