I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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