I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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