Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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