If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
