I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
