i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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