They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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