All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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