Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
