are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
