There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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