Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
