I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
