if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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