started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
