Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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