You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
