i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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