god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You ruined the universe
last night I used snow as a chaser
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
