Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
