He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
