dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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