Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
