I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
