Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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